Five Ways to Bolster Your Marriage October 27, 2011
Posted by dcostillo in Uncategorized.Tags: Christianity, Delia Lloyd, divorce, Huffington Post, Jesus, marriage, wedding
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This month, we wrapped up our “Creating Oneness” marriage retreat series. We love hosting this series and hope to have it again this coming summer, so look for dates some time in the early spring.
I thought it was good timing as I found an article on “five ways to prevent divorce,” or what I’m titling “Five Ways to Bolster Your Marriage” (why focus on the negative here?). In an effort that we might have some of the same newlywed sparks, I’ve adapted them below:
1. Be thrifty. A recent study of 1,734 married couples revealed that couples who don’t value money very highly score 10 to 15 percent better on marriage stability and other measures of relationship quality than couples where one or both are materialistic. According to the lead author of the study, materialistic couples exhibit “eroding communication, poor conflict resolution and low responsiveness to each other.”
2. Work (especially wives). A recent study from the Pew Research Center asserts that working wives are beneficial to marriages. This study showed that shifts within marriages — specifically, men taking on more housework and women earning more outside the home — have contributed to lower divorce rates and happier unions. One couple found that just shifting their traditional gender roles each summer did a lot to strengthen their marriage.
3. Spend time apart. More counter-intuitive wisdom. I think that some couples make the mistake of thinking that the true sign of a happy couple is wanting to do every last thing together. Wrong. Yes, it’s important to have a lot of over-lapping interests. But, as I’ve noted before, you also need to keep a private space – a room of one’s own, as it were. This is the main message of Iris Krasnow’s new book, “The Secret Lives of Wives”, which is based on interviews with more than 200 women from different educational, social, and economic brackets, all of whom are in long-term marriages (15-plus years). In addition to sex (see below), many pointed to the importance of prolonged separations from their spouses as crucial to making these partnerships last. The reasoning? Physical distance makes women more emotionally and physically self-reliant and also (surprisingly, perhaps) enhances communication between partners.
4. Have sex. Just make that sure you don’t spend too much time apart. According to a recent article on The Huffington Post, there are more than 17,000 people who identify with “I Live In a Sexless Marriage” on the Experience Project. But if recent surveys are correct, the author speculates that this number doesn’t even come close to the actual figure, which she estimates as closer to 20 million married Americans. Moreover, couples who are dissatisfied with their sex life are more likely to consider divorce and/or term their marriage “unhappy.”
5. Do small, recognizable actions. I was absolutely fascinated by this interview in Slate with New York Times health blogger Tara Parker-Pope about her book For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage. In it, Parker-Pope reveals that a lot of research shows that the main determinants of happy, sustained marriages are actually small, tangible things like having have at least five small positive interactions (touching, smiling, paying a compliment) for every negative one (sneering, eye rolling, withdrawal), the presence/absence of sleep problems, how you treat your partner during the first three minutes of a fight, and my own personal favorite: how you recount your own“How We Met” narrative. (adapted from Delia Lloyd’s post 5 Ways to Prevent Divorce).
Delia Lloyd, an American journalist living in London with her husband and two kids, definitely has some good points. May each of us find ways to live these principles out in our marriages so that they are fruitful, gracious, and thriving (and I’d love to hear your own suggestions in the comments below)!
Continued Lessons from Parenthood September 20, 2011
Posted by dcostillo in Uncategorized.Tags: children, Christian, Hubble, Jesus, Job, parenting, relationship, Space, Telescope
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Parenthood continues to show me the juxtaposition of God’s gracious love for me as His child as well as His overarching concern for humankind. Just as my daughter knows nothing of the big-picture affairs of our household, I, too, know so little of our omnipotent and omnipresent God. I can only respond like Job to the fact that I cannot comprehend the vast expanses of the earth, nor have I seen the storehouses of the hail, nor send the lightning bolts on their way (Job 38). There are concepts in our universe of which God the Father takes care and which I am completely ignorant, things which the wondrous images from NASA’s Hubble Space Telescope reminds me of this.
Still, this ignorance does not allow me to pass up the amazing love God has for me. Similar to my interactions with my baby girl, God wants to interact with me, with us. With a passion and gentleness that is innocently intimate. For most of us, the vulnerability required for this on our parts does not come easily. Still, God is patient and waits. May each of us seek Him today and turn to Him as He longs to be with us.
Heroes of the Faith August 30, 2011
Posted by dcostillo in Uncategorized.Tags: Christianity, Hebrews, Hero, Jehovah, Jesus, Jews, Romania, sanctification, spiritual formation, transformation
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Recently, in our Sunday School class, I taught on the tail end of Hebrews 11. This passage talks about those heroes of the faith that the author didn’t have time to go through. People like Jephthah, Gideon, Samson, and myriad unnamed saints who were tortured and torn in two for their profession of Jesus as their Lord and Savior.
I gain confidence in this passage every time I read it because, as you and I recall the stories of those saints mentioned, it’s a reminder that these folks were normal, ordinary people like you and me. People with warts. People with defects. People who did amazing things because of their incredible God and also because of their submission to His work.
Gideon doubted God’s call on His life and so in a double test of whether the call was from God or not, God made a fleece wet and the ground dry and then again the fleece dry and the ground wet. We do this all the time, don’t we? Perhaps not with a fleece, but I can recall countless times of asking the Lord to show me that a perceived call is really from Him.
Jephthah, one of Israel’s judges, was so overjoyed to have won the battle that he told the Lord that he would sacrifice whatever came out of his house upon his return home. Whoops. Not a good thing to promise, particularly when his daughter was the first thing to come out. Another person I can sympathize with. Getting ahead of myself and promising something to the Lord that I can’t necessarily give Him, or shouldn’t.
Samson, far beyond a good children’s story of ripping a lion in two, was a womanizer and liked to live on the wild side, disobeying the Lord’s commands and marrying a woman from the Philistine camp. Yet, here he is showing these same Philistine’s the power of Jehovah God in a way they would never have seen if he had not followed God’s call.
Years ago when I was in a missionary’s home in Romania, there was a small magnet on her refrigerator that said that God doesn’t call the equipped. Rather, He equips the called. What I glean from these stories in Hebrews is that God has done just that. And when I look at my life, I see the same. God is not in the business of bringing people who are already holy to a place of greater perfection. Not at all. Rather, He brings bumpkins and ragamuffins like you and me in our brokenness to a place of redemption and transformation and then, like an antique piece of silver, begins to polish out our blemishes and flaws, making us into something beautiful. Praise the Lord for His redeeming work as we remember that we, too, are heroes of the faith as we submit ourselves to the transforming power of the living God!
A Word for the Weekend July 15, 2011
Posted by dcostillo in Uncategorized.Tags: Christianity, Hannah Whitall Smith, Jesus, sanctification, spiritual formation, spiritual growth, wisdom
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As we prepare for the weekend, I wanted to share with you the following excerpt from Hannah Whitall Smith’s wonderful book “The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life”. May each of us live our lives more and more in the “consecration” mentioned below.
“A great many Christians actually seem to think that all their Father in heaven wants is a chance to make them miserable, and to take away all their blessings, and they imagine, poor souls, that if they hold on to things in their own will, they can hinder Him from doing this. I am ashamed to write the words, and yet we must face a fact which is making wretched hundreds of lives.
A Christian lady who had this feeling, was once expressing to a friend how impossible she found it to say, “Thy will be done,” and how afraid she should be to do it. She was the mother of one only little boy, who was the heir to a great fortune, and the idol of her heart. After she had stated her difficulties fully, her friend said, “Suppose your little Charley should come running to you tomorrow and say, `Mother, I have made up my mind to let you have your own way with me from this time forward. I am always going to obey you, and I want you to do just whatever you think best with me. I know you love me, and I am going to trust myself to your love.’ How would you feel towards him? Would you say to yourself, `Ah, now I shall have a chance to make Charley miserable. I will take away all his pleasures, and fill his life with every hard and disagreeable thing I can find. I will compel him to do just the things that are the most difficult for him to do, and will give him all sorts of impossible commands.” “Oh, no, no, no!” exclaimed the indignant mother. “You know I would not. You know I would hug him to my heart and cover him with kisses, and would hasten to fill his life with all that was sweetest and best.” “And are you more tender and more loving than God?” asked her friend. “Ah, no,” was the reply, “I see my mistake, and I will not be afraid of saying `Thy will be done,’ to my Heavenly Father, any more than I would want my Charley to be afraid of saying it to me.”
Better and sweeter than health, or friends, or money, or fame, or ease, or prosperity, is the adorable will of our God. It gilds the darkest hours with a divine halo, and sheds brightest sunshine on the gloomiest paths. He always reigns who has made it his kingdom; and nothing can go amiss to him. Surely, then, it is nothing but a glorious privilege that is opening before you when I tell you that the first step you must take in order to enter into the life hid with Christ in God, is that of entire consecration. I cannot have you look at it as a hard and stern demand. You must do it gladly, thankfully, enthusiastically. You must go in on what I call the privilege side of consecration; and I can assure you, from a blessed experience, that you will find it the happiest place you have ever entered yet.”
Remaining Grounded in a World of Ungroundedness July 9, 2011
Posted by dcostillo in Uncategorized.Tags: Christianity, family, Jesus, Psalm 1, stress, tree, Yosemite
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In recent weeks, my extended family has experienced some crazy events that have really left all of us unglued. Some of us are sad. Others are angry. All of us feel frustrated at the situation we’ve been put into.
At first glance, a time like this is one of those times to rip your hair out and scream. Yet, if one can step back a little from our scenario, it’s a time to take a deep breath and seek out where Jesus is moving in the midst of it all. And He’s there. He’s there in the family conversations already had and still to be had. He’s there in the support from friends near and far. He’s there in the gentle reminders that what’s taken place is indeed impactful, yet not defining of who we are. Rather, it’s a reminder to remember who we are in Him as we turn to Him.
It’s a time to remember that our delight is found in the Lord and in His word. It’s a time to remember that our roots are deep, like this tree in Yosemite planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither, that whatever we do in the power of the Holy Spirit will prosper. Amen.
Kept by the One who Neither Slumbers nor Sleeps May 12, 2011
Posted by dcostillo in Uncategorized.Tags: baby, Christian, fatherhood, parenting
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With a newborn, my time to post at Enjoying the Surface has greatly diminished. Yet, caring for my daughter Ellie (pictured, left) continues to be a place where the Lord reminds me of His great love for us—for me, for her, for my wife, and for you.
I’m a doer. Rarely a day goes by where there is not a list, mental or written, of things to do, accomplish and succeed. And with each task completed comes an inner joy of satisfaction, of accomplishment. Ellie’s arrival is obliterating all of that, as the learning curve for me here is that it’s no longer about what I need to do, but the task at hand is to meet her needs in their full spectrum.
Understandably, this has caused some inner turmoil. The tasks of life—work, cleaning, shopping, interactions with others, service—must get done at some point. But at what cost? The negligence of care of my daughter is not worth the price. Yet that is where the temptation lies when task-man meets people-man.
Some weeks ago, in between the exhaustion and piled-up tasks, frustration entered in. Why couldn’t I get the things done that I’d typically got done over the many past years? And the Lord reminded me of Psalm 121. Holding Ellie in my arms one evening, I began to doze off yet still wanted to savor the moment with her. Exhaustion. Frustration. Anxiety over the things still to do in the late hours of the evening. And there it was. I was reminded of a passage in the Psalms I’d read so many times before and it now had a much more clear meaning. “I look up to the mountains; does my strength come from mountains? No, my strength comes from God, who made heaven, and earth, and mountains. He will not allow your foot to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber. Yes, He who keeps Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.”
My strength comes from my Keeper. The one who made the mountains. And my daughter. And me. He does not slumber nor sleep. On His watch, which is all the time, God doesn’t fall asleep. As I bounced up and down and walked our hallway to lull my baby to sleep, the Lord reminded me of my day that day—the frustration of not getting the things done that I’d hoped to. He showed me the difference between He and I—I with my task list and He with His desire to be with me. In fact, His agenda is to hang out with me. Just that. There’s nothing else.
There was an invitation that evening for me that I think is for all of us—to remember firstly that I do not keep myself. He keeps me. And in my reliance on His keeping, I can enter into the life He has for me, for us. This God who does not slumber or sleep, who wants to hear our cries out to Him, cries of joy and of frustration and of laughter, wants us to let go and enjoy the things He has for us, to hang out with those He puts in my path, in your paths.
May each of us remember Him and let go of those things to which we cling so dearly as we go throughout our day and instead embrace the God who does not slumber nor sleep.
Happy Easter! April 19, 2011
Posted by dcostillo in Uncategorized.Tags: Christianity, Easter, Jesus, parenthood, teaching
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It’s Easter week. As you set your mind on the events played out so many years ago of our Lord Jesus’ final days of ministry on this earth, may this video from some good friends be a reminder of His love for you.
Peace,
dpc
Interacting with the Face of Poverty March 10, 2011
Posted by dcostillo in Uncategorized.Tags: AIDS, Christianity, church, compassion, guilt, HIV, international travel, Jesus, poverty
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The internet, media and ease of worldwide travel have amazingly shrunk our planet over the past 50 years. No longer does one need to take a ship to get to outer Mongolia. Missionaries traveling to sub-Saharan Africa no longer pack their goods in a coffin as they did some 200 years ago (now, more than likely, they would lease a portion of a shipping container that would meet them several weeks after their own arrival by air). More and more, the internet is used to connect people through online venues like Skype, Facebook and the soon-to-vanish Tokbox.
Still, our times of face-to-face international travel does leave us wondering how to help our ever-expanding global community deal with issues of poverty. Jesus put little boundary on His idea of who our neighbor really is—calling humankind to help out any neighbor in need as His story of the Good Samaritan showed that we can even cross, ethnic, religious and cultural lines in this help.
Writer Kevin Salwen for The New York Times has an article on this very subject for today. How do we assist those in need as we travel internationally? Faced with such a situation myself in Salima, Malawi, I encountered a young boy, roughly 12 years of age some 4 years ago. This boy came up to the small bus I was traveling in with some other Westerners and very readily said, “Give me money,” to those of us sitting near the windows. I was shocked, and a bit appalled. How had this kid learned to go up to complete strangers and ask such a thing? Seeing this situation through my own cultural lenses this Malawian boy was in the wrong or was at the end of his rope and in some desperate financial straits to ask a complete stranger for some coin. I learned later through a great book on this subject that a general rule of thumb in sub-Saharan Africa is that soliciting funds from strangers as this young man did is completely the norm.
In Kevin Salwen’s article, I appreciate his desire that we continually seek the greatest good as we encounter these scenarios. Oftentimes, it is a sticky situation. In the case of the young boy in Salima, I ended up not giving him anything because we saw that the purpose of our trip was not to alleviate the poverty of roadside beggars, nor was this young man, to my knowledge, part of the community we had come to work with. It seemed right at the time to say no to his request which would, hopefully, direct him to other places of income generation, while not setting up the next mzungu (foreigner) up for an obligation to give a handout. Were I to have had a greater amount of time on that trip (which we Westerners continually are in need of and forget that so much of the non-Western world is on a different time schedule!), it would have been great to connect this young man with an income generation trade program, many of which exist in Salima. But in our brief 30 second encounter to refill on petrol, I can only hope that my action with him assisted him in his poverty, albeit hastily and briefly.
In his book Walking With The Poor, Bryant Myers (former president of World Vision) talks about the importance to remember in any encounter we have with poverty that poverty is not simply a measure of the amount of money one has in their pocket. Poverty, Myers asserts, is more a measure of broken relationships, one’s relationships with their community, their Creator, and the earth around them. To put this in my own Western context, the homeless man in the middle of the street is begging for food or money not because he is financially poor, but because his relationships with the three aforementioned entities have been marred. And if we ask ourselves how rich or poor we are in this context, we’ll most likely get a far different answer than the balance told to us by the ATM machine. For all we know, the young man I encountered during my petrol stop in Salima, Malawi, might have indeed been one of the richest men on the planet!
Grace as the Ingredient to Righteousness February 15, 2011
Posted by dcostillo in Uncategorized.Tags: Christian, God, grace, righteousness, Sara Groves
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Sara Groves, a favorite artist of ours, has a song on one of her albums that talks about grace. Specifically, she says that “this is grace—an invitation to beautiful.” The song, Add to the Beauty, goes on to talk about the places of grace, oftentimes places we wouldn’t expect to be grace-places, but they are there and God uses them as places of redemption where we wouldn’t necessarily expect them to be. And so our role in these places is to receive the grace that God gives.
I’m intrigued by this concept, and yet as I look at my own life, I can look at the hard places in my own experience and see that they were more often than not places of grace. Places where God reached into my misery or frustration or anger or pain and did something with that situation to bring about His plan. Christians serve a God of redemption, and yet He is also a God of the weird.
While this is strange, it’s the way the Lord has used the pain in this world for millennia past, present and—we could assume—future. The prophet Isaiah spoke of a time when God would redeem all peoples during His year of favor. Then, He would “provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” These, God says, will be called “oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.”
While I long to be an oak of righteousness, I sometimes wish that ashes, mourning and despair were not the way to get there. Still, are not these the people we long to be? Aren’t these the people we see as being close to God. Consider one young Dutch girl’s captivity by her Nazi-occupied government that would lead to her imprisonment as well as her future ministry to promote peace and the Good News of Jesus. Or someone I know who went through a terrible divorce years ago and now has a thriving grassroots ministry to those in similar situations.
God’s ways are strange, yet holy. Whatever our own situation, wherever we find ourselves—may each of us drink more deeply of the God Who Is and plant the roots of our being in Him to display His splendor and find ourselves made more whole by His grace.
What’s Your Legacy? January 12, 2011
Posted by dcostillo in Uncategorized.Tags: Arizona shooting, birthday, Christianity, Jesus, legacy, life abundant, shooter
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This week has been a week of juxtapositions. The shock of Sunday’s shooting in Arizona leaves our nation reeling in tragedy. No doubt, the weeks ahead will have much conversation regarding our freedoms as citizens of this fine country. Monday was a different day. Monday was the 90th birthday of my maternal grandmother, who is the Christian matriarch of my family.
As the days have gone by since Sunday’s and Monday’s events, as well as with our own soon-to-be-born baby, I’ve wondered about the legacies we all have a role in bringing about. The shooter in Arizona chose one path. A path of destruction. My grandmother has chosen another. A path of edification and life.
During His ministry on the earth, Jesus was confronted by the Pharisees for His healing of a man born blind. Jesus restored this man’s sight and was questioned by the Pharisees later for healing on the Sabbath, a big no-no in that time. In the questioning that followed, the Pharisees were trying to figure out what sort of Man would do such a thing. How could someone who was not from God perform such an amazing miracle? On the other hand, how could a godly Person break such rules?
Jesus’ response to the Pharisees cuts to the quick. Jesus says that He is the door—salvation and life come only through Him. Moreover, the thief comes only “to steal, and to kill, and to destroy” (John 10:10). But Jesus has come that those who believe in Him “may have life, and that they may have it to the full” (10:10b).
Here we see yet another set of two paths. One leading to destruction, and one bringing life. As we live our lives in light of this week’s events, may we be aware of our choices and the legacy we live.
What will you chose?
